Signs You’re Being ‘Emotionally Manipulated’ During the Holidays

The holiday season is surrounded by images of joy, laughter, good cheer, and gift giving. Holiday cards, commercials, and movies paint this time of year as loving, warm, and full of connection; but for many people, that idealized image does not match their reality. Instead, they find themselves walking into complicated dynamics, feeling pressured, guilty, or emotionally drained even before the holiday celebrations begin.

Emotional manipulation occurs when one person uses tactics like guilt, shame, fear, or confusion to influence another person in a way that is self-serving or controlling. This can include underhanded strategies such as gaslighting, guilt-tripping, playing the victim, or using sarcasm and passive-aggressive remarks to shift blame. These tactics can start subtly and overtime increase to a point that can cause the recipient to question their own judgment, loosen their boundaries, and become emotionally exhausted.

No one wants to feel emotionally manipulated, especially during the holidays; however, this season often makes people more vulnerable to manipulation for a variety of reasons. There is social pressure to be cheerful, forgiving, or “keep the peace” and we have increased contact with difficult or demanding family members. Additionally, our normal routines are often disrupted that impact sleep, exercise, and eating which can contribute to lowered emotional resilience. Financial stress and social comparison (often amplified by social media) can be another reason for people to be vulnerable during the holidays as the focus can often be on gift-giving. The final reason that we can feel vulnerable is due to the emotional intensity associated with a sense of nostalgia which can lower your defenses and boundaries.

These seasonal stressors can make people more susceptible to guilt, obligation, and emotional pressure , all of which manipulators can exploit. No one wants to feel emotionally manipulated, especially during the holidays.

Signs you’re being emotionally manipulated during the holidays: 

It is important to distinguish between tactics (what the manipulator does) and signs (what you feel or experience in response). Tactics are the behaviors used to exert influence; signs are the emotional or relational consequences you notice within yourself.

The following are common holiday-season manipulation tactics, followed by clear signs that you may be experiencing them.

1. Guilt-Tripping: Intentionally making someone feel guilty to get them to do something and to control your choices. You may hear things like “after everything that I have done for you..” as a way to make you feel guilty.

   Holiday example: “After everything I’ve done for you this year, you’re really not coming home for Christmas?”

2. Gaslighting: Making someone doubt their own perception of reality or sanity by denying events or your role in them. Phrases like “You’re overreacting,” or “That never happened,” are used to create confusion and doubt.

   Holiday example: “I never said we’d exchange gifts — you’re imagining things.”

3. Victim Mentality: Consistently portraying themselves as the one who are always harmed to gain sympathy and avoid accountability. You may encounter someone saying things like “I guess I’m just the bad guy again,” or “Everyone treats me unfairly,” to avoid being accountable for their behavior.

   Holiday example: “Another family Christmas and I guess I’m just the family outsider again.”

4. Playing the Martyr: Agreeing to help, then using their “sacrifice” to create guilt or leverage. A common phrase of martyrdom is something like “I do everything for everyone, and this is the thanks I get.”

   Holiday example: “I cooked the entire holiday dinner myself… but don’t worry about me.”

5. Sarcasm and Insults Disguised as Humor: Using jokes to mask insults or criticisms and then dismissing the victim’s feelings by saying they are “too sensitive”.

   Holiday example: “Wow, you actually showed up on time for once — must be a Christmas miracle.”

6. Controlling Behavior: Pushing emotional buttons to get a desired reaction or using pressure or emotional consequences to get compliance. You might hear something like “If you really loved me, you would…” with an underlying threat of consequences or punishment if there is no compliance.

   Holiday example: “If you really cared about me, you’d stay all week so we can celebrate Christmas and New Years.”

7. Love-Bombing: Using excessive affection early on to create dependency, usually followed by withdrawal. Phrases like “Don’t ruin this — what we have is once-in-a-lifetime.” create a sense of misplaced or controlled emotional expression.

   Holiday example: “Don’t pull away — what we have is magical. I want to spend this and every holiday with you forever.”

Now that we have looked at the tactics of emotional manipulation, there are also signs in how you are feeling that can help you recognize them.

1. You feel confused or “off” after interactions. Confusion is a hallmark of manipulation because it disrupts your ability to trust your judgment.

   How to spot it: Pay attention after conversations — do you feel unsettled, wrong-footed, or unclear about what just happened?

2. You apologize constantly. Chronic apologizing reflects emotional imbalance —you’re managing their feelings instead of your own behavior.

   How to spot it: Notice if “I’m sorry” becomes automatic, especially in response to their disappointment or irritation.

3. You feel guilty saying no, even when you know that your response is the right thing to do. Manipulators tend to weaponize guilt to override your boundaries.

   How to spot it: Even simple “no’s” feel uncertain and emotionally loaded. You may worry you’ll upset them simply by honoring your needs.

4. Your needs shrink while their needs increase. Manipulation often leads to a one-sided dynamic where your time, energy, and emotions are geared to serve them.

   How to spot it: You keep accommodating; they rarely reciprocate.

5. You feel drained, anxious, or responsible for their mood. Emotional manipulation depletes you physically and emotionally.

   How to spot it: You monitor their reactions excessively or modify your behavior to prevent their upset.

6. Your boundaries erode gradually. Manipulation often starts small and escalates, wearing down your ability to assert yourself.

   How to spot it: When you think back a year, are you tolerating things now that once felt unacceptable?

7. Things only go well when you comply. You often feel like you are walking on eggshells , or you must avoid triggering someone. This often indicates a power imbalance, which is not healthy.

   How to spot it: You notice their warmth disappears the moment you assert yourself. You rehearse conversations before seeing them or adjust your personality to keep the peace.

Tips for handling holiday-related emotional manipulation: 

Experiencing chronic manipulation creates confusion, shame, and emotional instability.

Positive Psychology is the scientific study of strengths, resilience, and well-being and offers a useful counter to emotional manipulation. Positive psychology focuses on building inner resources rather than tearing them down. Seeing potential and cultivating capabilities help individuals with recognizing emotions accurately, managing negative emotions effectively, and building resilience through self-awareness, meaning, and connection.

Those who work to build strong emotional self-awareness and boundaries are less susceptible to manipulation because they recognize emotional triggers and regulate their responses effectively.

Manipulation can be intentional or habitual; and it can also be unintentional and occasional especially around the holidays. Either way, in order to mentally prepare and ready yourself for the season, the following tips are offered:

1. Strengthen your awareness and name the pattern:
   Identifying manipulation (“This is guilt-tripping”) reduces its psychological impact and gives you mental space to pause and regroup rather than react. Awareness interrupts the automatic emotional response manipulators rely on and builds your strength and confidence in responding to their tactics. A short response such as “Let me think about that,” will give you enough pause to take a deep breath and respond from a place of awareness rather than from a place of reactivity.
2. Set clear and neutral boundaries:
   Manipulators look for loopholes, emotional reactions, or debates. Your boundaries should be simple and short; push down the need to justify or explain yourself as it can only reengage a debate. Phrases like “I’m not discussing this,” or “That doesn’t work for me,” should be stated in a non-defensive, neutral manner. Maintaining clear boundaries protects your emotional energy and helps you feel stable.

   Should the emotional manipulation continue, you may have to exit the conversation completely by saying things like “I’m ending this conversation now,” or “I’m going to step away and continue this later.” Saying this in a neutral tone closes the door without escalating conflict.

3. Emotionally detach and avoid engaging in the emotional “hook”:
   Manipulation thrives on emotional reactivity. When you stop reacting emotionally, the tactic loses power. When you come from a place of strong emotional self-awareness, you do not have to prove yourself or try to win the argument. You can be confident in staying calm and refusing to defend or over-explain.  Short phrases such as “Perhaps you’re right” or “That’s your perspective” can reduce the emotional charge and diffuse the emotional manipulation.

   The holidays can be a season of joy and merriment, and they certainly do not require perfection. The more that we can show up to holiday gatherings authentically and emotionally aware, the more we can spot situations of emotional manipulation.

Strive to protect your emotional well-being and show up with clarity, self-respect, and genuine connection. Recognizing manipulation does not make you cynical; it makes you prepared. And that preparation is often the greatest gift you can give yourself this holiday season.

Written by MaryJo Trombley, Ph.D.