Before You Lose Your S**t at Work, Press “Hold”

If you’re someone who wears your emotional buttons on your sleeve at work, you can be easily provoked. This means you’re also someone who gives your power away all the time. Think about it like this: real power is like being Teflon — nothing sticks to you and nothing breaks you. A wise person knows that sometimes the best reaction is no reaction.

Anger often is a result of frustration. Or it can also be a result of disappointment — like you really hoped that after all your preparation you were going to nail this presentation but you didn’t. You’re pissed off at yourself, and you’re pissed at your audience for not appreciating the work that you put in.

I’d like you to assess your own experience with anger. Think about it in your own life. Is it a low and constant simmer? Or is it a robust boil? For a few it may be a white-hot, incandescent blaze that can be blinding. It’s going to be different for everyone, but there is some degree of anger in every single person. Are you even aware of how much anger you feel?

Ultimately, if people can provoke you, push your buttons, and get you angry, they can control you. You see it in sports with trash talking. You see it in arguments in romantic relationships. You see it in negotiations and in the courtroom with attorneys trying to goad witnesses and litigants.

One of the simplest yet most underutilized tools I coach people on is the “hold button.” Every phone has one, and humans do too. When things are getting heated or you realize that for whatever reason you’re too pissed to make a good decision or are about to lose your shit, tell them you’re getting another call and you have to go. You basically just put the whole problem on hold and have given yourself a moment (or several moments) to adjust the flame of your anger and come back renewed and ready to continue the conversation.

Taking a big step back from a problem is a way to separate, rebalance, and re-engage. You won’t regret it, and your brain will be your ally instead of your mouth being your enemy.

You might think you have to be immediately responsive, and that’s just not true. You can, in fact, control the timing of things much more than you think, and when you do, you maintain control over the situation and yourself more than if you feel constant pressure to be relentlessly responsive.

Once you’ve pressed hold, use these strategies to harness your anger rather than letting it sabotage you:

1. De-escalate with exercise. My experience tells me that intense, short-burst exercises can bevery effectiveat releasing pent up anger. Sprinting, whether running or swimming, heavy weightlifting (though be careful to not use weight that’s more than you can comfortably handle), or any other explosive exercise can be helpful in taking the edge off. Very simply, you can’t be physiologically in a rage at the same time that you’re exhausted from working out.
2. Listen to some tunes. Is there a relationship between anger and music? Are you kidding me? Whodoesn’tget amped with the first chords of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” or Metallica’s “Enter Sandman?” There’s no doubt that music can excite you and it can be whatever genre works for you.
3. Write it down. For some people, the idea of writing things down when theyfeel like punchinga wall may seem impossible. However, there are some values of writing, so long as you aren’t so angry that you snap the pen in your hand. One thing it does is allow you to feel or express your emotions on paper without judgment, response by someone who disagrees, or invalidation. Getting out what irks you can also allow you to recognize themes about what gets your goat.
4. Ask yourself what really matters. Get better at seeing what and who you have the delicious privilege of completely ignoring. Ninety-nine percent of conflicts can be avoided, and tons of anger can be dodged when you realize that in early all cases, no response is the right one.

Whether you’re dealing with how your boss or coworkers talk to you, act towards you, or try to manipulate you, my hope is that you become like Teflon. Let nearly everything roll off, allowing virtually nothing to stick to you. Allow the things that stick to be worth it — which means don’t waste energy, emotion, or life being easily provoked. It’s just not worth it and can be really costly emotionally or materially.

Essentially the more you’re aware and open to understanding how you deal with situations that provoke you — how you recognize your triggers — the better you’ll be at learning and continuing to improve your personal effectiveness.

Written by Dr. Mitch Abrams.